I'm Probably the worst person alive
So it all started yesterday when I went to sugi to get some sushi. As I was walking out, this girl handed me a free sample of something in a plastic bag. Since it was Halloween, I figured it was candy. After I got outside, I looked in the bag. It was a box of panty liners.OK, great. So now I have this box of feminine products. And I have a floor full of male friends. Hm. So I go give the bag to my guy friend who I kinda like. I leave the room before he has a chance to open it. Fast forward a few hours after we got back from trick or treating. Yes, we went trick or treating. We were all just fucking around and somehow the box of panty liners wound up being opened and tossed around. My guy I had given the box to threw one of the little pads at me, and in retaliation, I went to go shove one down his shirt, and I accidentally grabbed onto his gold chain and it broke. Time froze. I stood dead still with the broken chain in my hand with this look on my face. I didn't know what to say or do. I was just staring at him and he was staring right back at me. He was giving me the Look of Death. I was so scared he was going to punch me in the face. I mumbled something about how I would pay for it, and then I pulled a Napoleon Dynamite and ran up the stairs to my room. And then I flipped the hell out. I seriously went nuts. I started crying hysterically and shaking. First my hands went numb, and then the rest of my body. I was lightheaded and nauseous and thought I was going to pass out. My eyeliner was coming in black rivers down my face. My friends came in to see if I was ok. I have never been that upset before. I don't really know why. Maybe it's because I really like this guy and breaking his shit is not the best way to make a good impression. My friend went to go see if he would talk to me but he wouldn't because he was upset. That made it even worse. I felt like the biggest piece of shit alive. How could I have been such a fucking moron? It's one thing if this happened at home with my friends whom I've known. But I haven't known this guy nearly long enough to convince myself that he won't hate me as a result. Not to mention I like him. God dammit! Why do I always screw things up? I tried gathering myself because I was going to go talk to him and apologize, even if he didn't want to talk to me, because I wasn't going to let this wait until the next morning. So I made my way downstairs. I was so, so scared. I don't know what I was so afraid of. His reaction, I guess. I always think of the worst case scenario and convince myself it's going to happen. I walked into the room and he was there with some guys, and I told him I was sorry and I don't blame him for not wanting to talk to me and if he hates me then I understand that too and just let me know how much it is to fix and I'll buy you a new one. Then I went back up to my room and looked at myself in the mirror. I looked like absolute shit.
I'm probably over reacting, he probably isn't going to hate me forever, but what if he does? What if he's like, look you stupid whore, you're obnoxious, don't ever talk to me again. I'm so scared of losing him and all those other guys as friends. Maybe it's silly to think that they would all hate me because of an accident, but that's the way my mind works. I can't reason. I see things in black and white. He either despises my existence completely or he laughs about it. In my mind, I can only picture the negative happening. I feel like I'm going insane. My solution is to not talk to him unless he talks to me. I'm not going on that floor again for awhile. I've already planned out the next week as to avoid contact with them all. This is the sort of thing you laugh about in ten years. It's actually a somewhat funny story, except for the part where I'm a complete douchebag. Ugh.
posted by Bianca Alexi @ 7:33 AM
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